my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Bring me that man meat
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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