I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
what day is it and did you see me today?
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
