Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
