the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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