Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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