You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
