$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
