got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
