How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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