these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
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One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
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I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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