You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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