I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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