Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
