these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
