apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
