hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
