my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
