you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
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