The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
