I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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