I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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