i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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