im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
