Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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