yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Randomize
