I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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