god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
