In the future we'll all be gay
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I did not marry a roomba.
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