You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
