Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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