When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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