Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
