it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
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