too bad you live with your parents still
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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