if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pray to the hookup gods
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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