I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
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I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
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Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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