If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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