So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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