I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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