I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
