i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
We had sex on a dog bed..
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
