You really coming over, don't trick.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
