I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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