so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
