So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize