BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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