So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
