I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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