hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
