so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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