I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
