So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
