Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
As shirtless as possible
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
