either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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