so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
