That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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