That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
